Mairingrauld

I'm really nervous right now... This is going to be my first day of therapy. I have no idea how this is going to go, but given how I am at talking to anyone face-to-face about my problems, much less to a complete stranger I've never met before, I'm a bundle of nerves right now. I just hope this goes well, and that going to these therapy appointments actually helps, somehow...I'll probably post an update later saying how it went and such.

I've hurt a number of people lately, both online and offline...and some of those people hate me for it. I can understand their reasons, and I don't deserve for them to give me the time of day...but for some reason I can't stop hoping to somehow make up for everything I've done. That somehow, they'll be willing to give me another chance to make things right, to be the friend I used to be once before, or even better. No matter how hopeless that seems I keep hoping for it every day, no matter how much they loathe me and want me to just go away I'm somehow dumb enough to think that maybe things will get better...

...I don't know why I keep trying when I deserve my isolation.

Sometimes I wonder if my depression will ever go away... I've had it for as long as I can remember, it's just been growing steadily worse over the years. It used to be something I could push away easily, and not even give it a second thought. Now? It consumes me, and even my own thoughts are against me. Sometimes, as bad as they become, I wonder if I'm borderline schizophrenic, as my thoughts will be reminding me of things in third person...things I've done, things I've said, and things that have been done or said to me. Last night while I was at work they were doing this...they wouldn't shut up until I cut my leg a few times, and even then they just moved on to ridiculing me over being a pathetic moron. It typically goes like this:

<Thoughts>You're never going to keep any friends.
<Me>....
<Thoughts>The friends you have now? They're fake. They just keep you because they're bored. Or because they haven't gotten fed up with your shit yet. You've lost your roommates before, what makes you think you're safe from losing them again? And you've lost some pretty damn close friends lately too, haven't you?
<Me>Shut up.
<Thoughts>Hey, remember when [name] said [statement]?
<Me>Shut up.
<Thoughts>You know, everyone thinks you're faking this to get attention.
<Me>*Slaps face* Shut. Up.
<Thoughts>Oh, here's an idea. Why don't you [insert suicidal thought].
<Me>Shutupshutupshutupshutupshutupshutup...
<Thoughts>You're going to die alone, might as well do it now.
<Me>Shut the f*ck up already!
<Thoughts>[Insert visual memories of times I've been hurt]
<Me>*Cuts self*
<Thoughts>Wow, you're a pathetic waste of space. No wonder nobody likes you.

And it goes on and on from there... Why did I post that? I don't know...maybe to keep track of it so if I do someday start getting therapy, I can just copy/paste it and show the doctor so he/she has an example to go by. Or maybe my thoughts are right, maybe I am just a pathetic waste of space and talking to myself is the only real punishment I can give myself for it.

I've never been good at keeping journals...I always have good intentions when I start them, and then next thing I know months have gone by before they're even remembered again, and by then what's the point. But, I have to put my thoughts somewhere...my head's been too crowded lately.

My depression has been getting worse and worse lately, particularly within the past month. Losing friends, and even losing privileges...it's affecting me more than I would have thought. I'm actually terrified to admit to myself that yes, I have had thoughts of suicide lately...multiple times, even within the past week...I'm just too chicken to go through with it. For now. In the meantime I keep harming myself, but when I'm around people I try to keep on this facade that everything's ok and I don't have any worries or fears. But on the inside, I'm screaming...I'm crying...and I'm clawing at the walls, wanting to tear myself to pieces. But I can't say anything about it, for fear of people thinking I'm just seeking attention or pity.

There are a number of reasons why I hate myself. The first and most prevalent are that I have a tendency to hurt the people I care about the most, and that's how I tend to lose friends and even family. Why am I so completely f*cked up? I don't even know anymore. I'm doubting now there's any way I or anyone else can fix it. I've sought help so many times from those I considered friends, but I've either lashed out at them one too many times or I just can't seem to get their advice to actually stick to my thought process during my 'episodes'. I don't know how many times I've begged for forgiveness, only to act like a bitch later...I make myself suffer every time I do that, but it still continues to go on. Mostly - as I tell myself - because I'm good for nothing on top of being a complete jackass.

Will this journal post do anything? Probably not. It probably won't even be read by anyone other than me, or if it does get read it won't be taken seriously. But I hope someday I'll look on this and be glad that these times have passed, if they ever will...